Being in fit of apathy more intractable than usual, I rented up Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen for me and the wife to veg out in front of. But, you know, sometimes those shut-off-your-mind pieces of eye-candy can be seriously harmful to your health.
We made it through 90 minutes when we discovered – Oh No! – that there was a full hour yet to go. It’s when I discovered a few pages of the original screenplay under the couch.
EXTERIOR:
Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf stand in the middle of the LA Freeway. The sweet light of sunset bathes them in its luscious glow. The camera furiously, endlessly circles the pair in medium close-up.
LaBEOUF: Why you gotta be dressin’ like such a ho, Megan?
FOX: I donno, idiot. Why you gotta be such a dweeb?
LaBEOUF: I almost love you!
FOX: Look out! That blender is about to turn into a 30-foot-tall robot!
Camera swirls around robot/blender in a fury.
LaBEOUF: It’s destroying everything! It’s so detailed I can’t tell its arms from its legs!
FOX: Lookit how fast that shit moves!
LaBEOUF: It just killed 100 people!
FOX: Why does your hand suddenly have a surgical-quality splint/cast-combo on it!
LaBEOUF: Look out, something is about to explode!
That’s it, kids, Sewer says rent only at your peril.
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